The Trauma We Carry and the Light That We Share

13 years without a drop of alcohol.

I’m marking today with gratitude. I didn’t get sober through AA — I only went for three months. It just wasn’t for me. My drinking wasn’t about the alcohol itself. It was because I had complex PTSD from CSA and a horrific upbringing — the kind that leaves you with flashbacks, nightmares, and ghost-pain that clings to the nervous system.

Alcohol dulled that pain, numbed the memories — until it didn’t. I drank to survive the nights. To outrun what lived inside me. But eventually, I realised it was killing me.

It’s been 13 years. No relapses. Not a single drink. That’s a quiet miracle. Not because I’m superhuman — but because something in me, a higher force within, carried me through. I’m not religious, but I do believe in that.

If I’d kept drinking, I don’t think I’d be here today. I really mean that.

If you’re drinking because of trauma, nightmares, or pain you don’t know what to do with — I want to say: you’re not weak. You’re trying to cope. And there are gentler ways to soothe that pain.

One thing that helped me was sleep hypnosis. For those of you who struggle with sleep, flashbacks, or disturbing dreams, here’s a YouTube link to a hypnosis that may help calm your nights.

YouTube link by Michael Sealey “Fall Asleep with No More Nightmares”

Something I’ve learned in these 13 years: If I could do this — if I could stop drinking when everything in me wanted to escape — then I can do other hard things too. And so can you.

In 2018, six years after stopping drinking, I went to my doctor and asked for trauma treatment psychotherapy. I was referred to the Tavistock Clinic in London, where I spent two years dissecting my childhood. The road to recovery from CSA is ongoing.

In November 2024, I was given a peer support role one day a week, working at that same clinic, helping people who have experienced CSA trauma and war trauma. I’ll be in that role until November 2026.

Something that continues to shock me is the extent to which child abuse happens in society — and how little is actually spoken about it. There is also the heartbreaking reality of war, which will affect children, especially, for the rest of their lives.

People who haven’t experienced heavy trauma often don’t understand the lifelong implications it causes.

Sadly, from what I’m seeing, there are no cures — but we can give each other hope for a better future. Part of that includes being able to look at the past with a clear mind. I feel deep sorrow that people can cause such pain to others — but also deep gratitude for the beauty some people bring into our lives.

If you want to work with me on these issues mentioned via hypnosis, EFT tapping, or astrology work, see my link here https://www.peneloperyder.com/

Taken by me “the Beautiful Magnolia Tree” June 2025