On Forgiveness, Healing, and Developing an Inner Voice!

Nurturing the Inner Child Without Obligation or Shame

In my experience, and from observing myself, one of the hardest parts of trauma recovery has been the pressure to “forgive” or “let go.” Society and some belief systems often tell us that forgiveness is necessary to move on, that doing it is “for ourselves,” and that not forgiving means we are stuck. For me, this was extremely difficult. My feelings of anger and guilt about my experiences were so heavy that the idea of forgiveness felt impossible, and being told to do it made me feel even worse.

I have learned that forgiveness is not a requirement for healing. Trauma can leave deep wounds, and it is normal to struggle with anger, grief, shame, or guilt. Healing often comes from acknowledging those feelings, creating safety, setting boundaries, and validating our experiences rather than trying to force forgiveness because someone else says it is the right thing to do. Pressures to forgive can feel dismissive or retraumatising, particularly when coming from people who have not experienced trauma. Recovery is about finding what works for you personally, at your own pace, and allowing yourself to feel and process emotions without judgment.

Judith Herman, in her book Trauma and Recovery, captures this beautifully in the context of atrocities and abuse:

“Revolted by the fantasy of revenge, some survivors attempt to bypass their outrage altogether through a fantasy of forgiveness. This fantasy, like its polar opposite, is an attempt at empowerment. The survivor imagines that she can transcend her rage and erase the impact of the trauma through a willed, defiant act of love. But it is not possible to exorcise the trauma through either hatred or love. Like revenge, the fantasy of forgiveness often becomes a cruel torture, because it remains out of reach for most ordinary human beings. Folk wisdom recognises that to forgive is divine. And even divine forgiveness, in most religious systems, is not unconditional. True forgiveness cannot be granted until the perpetrator has sought and earned it through confession, repentance, and restitution. Genuine contrition in a perpetrator is a rare miracle. Fortunately, the survivor does not need to wait for it. Her healing depends on the discovery of restorative love in her own life; it does not require that this love be extended to the perpetrator. Once the survivor has mourned the traumatic event, she may be surprised to discover how uninteresting the perpetrator has become to her and how little concern she feels for his fate.”

This perspective aligns with my own experience. Healing does not require forgiveness of the perpetrator. Instead, it is about finding restorative love and safety in your own life, mourning what was lost, and reclaiming your emotional autonomy at your own pace.

Another vital part of trauma recovery is learning to identify the voices in your own mind and speak to yourself in a new, compassionate way. This is not about forcing positivity or denying difficult feelings. It is about connecting with your inner world and your inner child to offer the guidance, grace, and care that may have been absent during formative years. With support and guidance, it becomes possible to acknowledge your experiences, nurture yourself, and begin to appreciate your own worth. Over time, this inner caregiving can help reduce self-blame, build resilience, and create a foundation for self-love that is grounded in understanding, not in societal pressure to move on or forgive.

William Blake’s The Temptation and Fall of Eve (Illustration to Milton’s “Paradise Lost”)